If employers don’t appreciate the benefits of a healthy workforce, they’re living in the dark ages. That will be your somewhat fiery retort when your boss asks why you’ve cleared the desks and moved them together to play ping-pong. Be sure to remind them too that basketball also enhances the health and wellbeing of staff, and that since normal basketball discriminates against the short, you’re promoting equal opportunities by playing in the office. When you’re using the waste-paper basket as a net and a rolled-up ball of paper to score some three-pointers, remember that you’re not “pissing about” as some may say, but you are in fact taking a stand against discrimination. The list of health-inducing options does not end there. Office darts will improve workplace productivity just as much, and will also encourage team-building when a photo of the boss acts as the board and a bulls eye is the middle of his forehead.
Rearrange the Office While Everyone’s Out
Fresh is good. It encourages new ideas and increases productivity. And if your boss doesn’t buy that one, tell them that the cleaners did it.
Photocopy Body Parts and Send Them Off to Everyone
You absolutely cannot be blamed for technology being so complicated these days. There is no manual for you to take guidance from either. So it is not your fault that you were unsure as to how it worked, and when you tried to fix it, it ripped your clothing and took humiliating photos of you. You were so humiliated by this technological intrusion into your privacy that you sent the evidence of management’s negligence to colleagues, to warn them that the same could happen to them.
Get Drunk and/or High
It’s questionable as to whether drinking late into the evening equates to “being drunk at work” when arguably you did not do the drinking ‘in work’. The same applies to drinking at lunch, because activities undertaken outside the workplace are within the realm of personal privacy and for a manager to question such activities is invasive and rude. ‘Appearing’ drunk is like saying ‘you appear happy’ which, of course, is not a crime. For them to suggest otherwise is insane.
Have a Fling
Working closely with your colleagues allows for the formation of good relationships in the office, something that has been encouraged by management gurus for decades. If your manager is in any doubt as to the sense of this, just pick up any management self-help book from the store, point to the relevant page and say you were helping yourself. It shows proactivity.
Arrange for a Stripper to Visit a Male Colleague
Bonding or bondage? Let not the cynics have their say. This is fun, and should be encouraged. If you encounter organisational resistance, quietly remind your boss that you’ll order him one the next time he has a birthday. Depending on whether you like the colleague to whom the lovely lady will be plying her affections, you may even consider ordering him a male stripper instead.
If the previous option was for the men, then this one’s for the women. Ladies will be quick to remind any naysayers that part of the unwritten requirements of the workplace is that they look professional. How, they would argue, can a lady do that without spending additional hours actively constructing the required look? Men do not need to have their nails done, nor do they need an array of bags to match their outfit. They have it easy, and simply cannot appreciate the torment of the added pressure a woman faces. Of course, if a lady’s boss is also a lady, then she at least should understand why the work wasn’t done, and why 'nipping out' took over four hours.
Make Voodoo Dolls
Severity or levity? That’s the choice managers have if they wish to instil a workplace atmosphere of their choosing. Given that this is the 21st century, we should all be moving towards levity. In attempting to rid the office of the former, you will argue a Voodoo doll of the manager is in order. Just to be on the safe side, you should reassure them this is all just for fun and that – unlike the James Bond film Live and Let Die – you are not using Voodoo to intimidate and control a vast network of submissive followers. Knowing that, they should be fine with it.